I barely glance in the mirror before I am horrified. Oh my God, how fat I am! I quickly wrap my soft, fluffy towel around my wet body. It was a gift from Dad last year. Grandpa was still alive back then, Dad wasn’t rich, he went to work and didn’t just stare at the ceiling all day waiting for his own death.
How sad that girl in the mirror is… And blurry. I put on my glasses, but I wish I hadn’t! Any bird would find my messy brown hair homely. It is greasy and I forgot to wash it today too. But tomorrow is Wednesday – and Wednesday is the day when the IT-class do not have the first class either -—which means Bill will be on the same bus as me.
I take a step towards the bath. But why? He’ll never notice me no matter what I do. Shame sets my face aflame, the pimple that’s been growing for days begins to throb beside my nose. I turn back to the mirror to deal with it. The pain zigzags under my skin, my eyes are about to fall out, but it doesn’t discourage me. It’s like I’m torturing myself on purpose. I don’t deserve any better.
After five minutes of effort, I give up. Total failure: the previously tiny spot is now a huge, red mound on my face. I can’t even do this. Damn it all! Why can’t I be as beautiful as my elf warrior? Well, half as pretty would do. A quarter as… Ah, how nice that would be! I close my eyes, imagining my skin pale and unblemished, my hair a brilliant red, my breasts bigger and my waist slimmer. I walk down the school corridor and everyone turns to look at me, even the school sluts giggle enviously. I can feel Bill’s beautiful green eyes on me…
Only in your dreams.
As soon as I open my eyes, they widen in horror.
A strange woman stares back at me from the mirror. She wears my features, yet she is not me. Her corpse-white skin is almost transparent, her long ears poking out from her dishevelled red pincers.
My heart skips a beat, the strength drains out of me. I lean on the sink.
Sharp, sword-like extensions reach up from her arms. I touch them anxiously. My bones really do stick out, my ears are pointed! I want to scream, but I just stare and stare, filled with dread.
“It’s just a n-nightmare… I’m going to w-wake up soon…” My jaw is shaking, my sharp teeth are scratching my mouth.
Salty blood runs down my gums.
I rush out, through the corridor into my room. I slam the door, press my back against it, as if that will shut that monster out. I’m shaking. My heart is pounding, my chest is stinging. I slide to the floor, hug my knees. The color of my hands is normal and there is no sign of bones protruding from my arms.
What was that again? The first time, I told myself I was hallucinating from sleeplessness, but now this is the second time… am I going mad? Don’t let my parents know! God, what would happen then… They are already freaked out because of my heart. It hurts even now. I should eat something and take my medicine, but I can’t move. I blink and blink. The dark room is illuminated by the light of my laptop’s screen, a few snatches of music coming out of my headset.
After endless minutes, the tightness in my chest eases. I get to my feet, change into my pyjamas and stumble to the table. On the screen, my elf warrior sits, sword on her back. I forgot to logout again; I’m surprised something didn’t kill me. Or someone. I click, and as she scrambles to her feet, the AFK sign above her head disappears.
Red hair, pale skin…
My throat tightens, I’m dizzy.
I immediately teleport back to the nearest capital, where I get a haircut. Her hair will be blue and her skin a little darker. Just like this. Great.
I breathe a sigh of relief. I put the headset on my head and immerse myself in a fantasy world with epic music. I admire the graceful soaring of the griffin, below me are pine forests, watery gorges, barren wastelands. Upon landing, I gather ten salamander roots, slay twenty-five dragons, while I press the same skills over and over again with unchanging beauty.
I stumble. There should be a demon lord here, unleashed into the world by a sect of bloodthirsty mages, no sign of him. Obviously he was killed before me, so I have to wait. A minute passes, then another. Next to me, an orc girl named „Whorelock” bounces around in her boredom. She’s casting spells, summons demonic companions in her boredom, dancing. I need to be fast to get the first hit or I will have to wait for the next respawn.
“Are you waiting for the demon too?” She writes.
I don’t want to answer. Why? She might end up siding with me, and I’d be wondering when I’d burn myself down. I’m sure she’d call me a noob and leave.
And if she doesn’t?
I might have a friend. No, not like Mandy, but a real friend, a real nerd who understands me and with whom I can indulge my infatuation. Or it could be a boy… lots of guys play female characters.
“Shall we kill him together 🙂 ?” She asks, then the party invitation window shows up.
The cursor hovers over the „Accept” button.
Go on, press it! What have you got to lose?
The screen goes black, the music fades.
The power goes out. More correctly, Dad turned off the power; knowing full well that the battery in my old laptop is dead. So Mom’s home and they’re quarrelling again. My stomach goes into an icy knot.
“Just to be sure; that little bitch is going to learn the rules! Not like her mother and that other one!” I hear Dad’s distorted shout of rage.
“That other one?! James, David is your son!”
“He’s not my son! Not since he abandoned the family!”
“He’s twenty-four, he’s got a girlfriend, that’s the way it is!”
“What, that he’s gonna run off with that bitch at the worst possible moment? But why am I surprised? This is what he saw from his mother. Where the fuck have you been?!”
“I was working overtime.”
“Why?! I pay for everything! Your hair, your nails, your car! You shouldn’t even be working! Don’t think I don’t know you’re hanging out with that blonde creep who calls himself your boss!”
Punch snaps.
I flinch as if I feel it on my own skin.
Silence.
What happens when they come up to argue here? They can’t see me awake, I have a math test tomorrow… I tiptoe over to the bed, put my glasses away, then pull myself as small as possible under the blanket. With bated breath, I try to disappear.
„Why did you come home?! Answer me, bitch!”
Scuffle.
Oh, God, Mom, answer him! Why aren’t you honest with him? Why don’t you tell him you work so much because you can’t stand to watch him do nothing? That ever since Grandpa died, he’s been so overwhelmed by money and fame, he needs help? Why can’t you talk things through calmly and figure out what to do next? There are so many possibilities, why can’t you see?
„Let me go, it hurts…” Mom cries.
„You hurt me too.”
Clattering.
Tears streaming down my face. What’s happening down there? I can almost see him slicing her throat with a broken piece of plate. I’m shaking, my heart’s pounding. Too much pounding. But I don’t even dare get up to get my medicine, lest they hear I’m awake thanks to the doors without thresholds and the paper-thin walls.
Silence. Good thing I didn’t accept that warlock’s party invitation! At least I don’t have to explain afterwards where I disappeared to.
Silence and stillness. Too much silence. I should go down and see if they’re alive. Talk to them, pacify them calmly, reason with them, like David did. But I’m not David. I’m choking with fear and the phlegm that’s building up in my nose and I don’t dare breathe it out.
My chest is tight, my eyes are throbbing, just like the blood in my neck. I gasp with my mouth open. Fuck! I have to go downstairs and get something to eat so I can take my medicine. Would it bother them if I died because of this? Nah, they wouldn’t even think of blaming themselves. They might even be glad to be rid of me, the shame of the family so easily.
But I refuse to give them that pleasure. My hand clenches into a fist, I sit up, reach for my phone. It’s 1:16 a.m. They’re probably already asleep. I tiptoe out the door, stealth down the hallway, descending each step of the stairs as carefully as if they might fall from under me at any moment.
The living room is in total darkness, with only the black outline of the furniture drawn by the light from the lamps outside. There is no one. Huh. I head for the kitchen, but before I can reach it, a floorboard creaks beneath me.
“So you’ve come out at last?” Dad gets up from the couch. “I knew you were awake. You do this all the time. Now just tell me, how are you going to take your test in the morning?”
Pretend you can’t hear it. Pretend you can’t hear it.
I’m going nice and steady.
“You probably went deaf from all those video games, but never mind, I’ll bring back to your senses… “He walks to the armchair, grabs something.
Mum groans, collapses on the carpet.
Oh my God…! Don’t look there! Open the fridge, grab the first thing you see and run!
I’m opening it.
“Ah! So you’re not fat enough yet?” He laughs maniacally “You’ll die alone. Yeah, you’ll have no one to feed your fat ass…”
You’ll die alone, echoes in my head. The cold hand of fear strokes me again and again. It paralyses me, fills my mind. I want to banish it so much, but at this point I don’t even know what I’m doing here. I close the fridge. I want to go upstairs and destroy myself in silent solitude, but a big hand grabs my arm.
“Where to in such a hurry?” He steps out into the light streaming in through the glass door of the terrace. He smiles, his pale eyes a dull haze of madness.
He tugs Mom’s hair, forcing herself into the light. She crouches on all fours, like an abused dog. Dad lifts and lifts, Mom whimpers, her pointed nails tearing at Dad’s arm, but his grip doesn’t loosen.
“Take a good look at that face!”
Her skin glistens with tears, a swelling darkens under her eyes, blood oozes from the corner of her mouth. It’s a pity none of them heal in more than eight days… Then we could report it and maybe get rid of him for a while.
“Look! Is that what you want to be? A freeloader?!”
“Mom’s not a freeloader. She worked overtime again.” The calmness in my voice surprises me too.
“Oh, so she stuffed your head with that. Well, let me tell you, she’s been spreading her legs long before me and she’ll spread them after me. Your mother’s a whore. And if you keep it up, you will end up as one, too. Assuming you can find someone who’d want to fuck a pig…”
“At least I won’t terrorize my family.”
“It’s your mother who terrorize us!” He shakes her. „Thank her!”
“No, dad… You’re pushing everyone and everything away. If you weren’t a helpless sh…”
His broad palm smacks my cheek, my feet come off the ground, I spin, my back slams against the kitchen counter. The pain sears down my spine, covers my neck, my ears. Choking, I collapse to my knees, drool dripping from my gasping mouth onto the floor. Or is it blood? My ears whistle, black dots dance on the edge of my vision.
Air rushes into my lungs, I cough. My icy hands flatten my throbbing face. What the hell was that? Just now I was standing by the fridge… A skinny accountant who’s barely got out of bed for weeks is incapable of such a blow. It’s just impossible. But then…?
My hearing’s getting clearer. Sadly.
„…because nobody asked you. I hope you’ve finally learned the place of people who lives on other people’s money.”
I’m shaking all over, from pain and fear, but I’m still getting up. I’ve got to get out of here. I don’t mind where, just far away from here. Out into the night, into the protective darkness. To run, to sprint, as far as my legs and heart can carry me… The door is only a few yards away, yet infinitely far away. Now or never, I must reach it…
“Where to? Into the arms of the drunk and the homeless?”
Even they’re not as scary as you, I’d say, but I don’t have the strength to do so.
“You have no one. Maybe to the police? Go ahead, go ahead. Let me save you some time by telling you: you have no proof against me. You can just throw words around, but no one will believe you. No one! Everybody in this city knows whose daughter you are…”
Whatever hope I have left is shattered. There’s no escape. I’m exhausted, I’m going up the stairs to my room. If I’m a prisoner, at least I’ll have peace in my cage.
“So now you’re retreating into the mouse hole?! Where’s your big ego, your courage? You think you can get away with this, you little…?!”
I’m about to quicken my pace when Mom yells:
“James, please, let her go! Hurt me instead!”
He turns to Mom again, but now I don’t care. I’ve had enough of this, there’s nothing I can do. If they’re going to kill each other, at least leave me out of it. All I want is a safe place to collapse. I don’t know if it’s the tiredness, the beat or my heart, but each step is harder than the last. I’m already at the turn of the stairs. I can hardly believe it.
I can hear the scuffle, Dad’s pounding footsteps as he walks down the hall.
“No need to hurry, I’ll go myself! You’ve got your lover and your good-for-nothing kids. I could die for all you care. Yeah… That’s what I’ll do. Be happy for ruining me. For killing me! No, not you; all of you! YOU killed me!” He shouts to make sure his words reach me.
Rattle of keys. Go where you want. When we called the ambulance once, he said with a big sigh that he had no intention of ending his life. Whatever we said, they believed him. Because he is a Morawa. And Mum had to pay the fine for the false alarm. Anyway, “you can’t force someone to undergo medical treatment against their will because it violates personal freedom…” Since then, to this day, he has had the personal freedom to do whatever he wants. He has the right to rampage, to threaten suicide… But he will never do it. He is too cowardly to do it.
When I reach my room, I fall into the quilts and pillows. At last I can cry myself to sleep and get rid of my pain, if only temporarily.
Downstairs, the garage door opens and the car engine roars. The light from the street lamp shines through the window. A blue and white bird flies up from the ledge.
What a strange colour it has! Perphaps an exotic species escaped from a pet shop…